FAFFING!!!

OMG!!There’s something called faffing online….I dint know that. I just thought it was a general slang used in my office when you’re busy doing nothing. In my last thought post on Schindler elevators, I wanted to express myself in the best possible way I could without confusing people. I couldn’t just think of another word except for this word; so I decided to Google it and lo and behold, there it was with 175,000 hits. Well maybe part of that was some other meaning to it, or someone’s nick name or some independent website, it sure brought out the actual meaning of what I understood to be faffing,unlike our typical naija slangs such as fashy,toast,chyke etc.

Faff is actually a british slang which means To waste time on an unproductive activity according to the wikipedia dictionary- wiktionary. The Cambridge International Dictionary of Phrasal Verbs defines faff as spending time doing a lot of unimportant things instead of the thing one should be doing.

Everybody faffs,that I can assure you,the level just differs;or how else can you describe your getting to work late when you actually woke up early enough to do all the things you were supposed to do; or checking out your friends’ pictures on facebook and making funny remarks/comments, chatting with an old friends or gisting with colleagues when you’re actually supposed to be working? Infact, you wouldn’t be reading this if you weren’t faffing. Well, incase you don’t know how to faff at work, trust me, you know how, you just didn’t know that’s what you’ve been doing. I’m sure everyone faffs at one point or the other.

The internet has been the best thing to happen to the world at large, its also the quickest and sweetest faffing tool. A friend of mine working in a bank told me once that they had to remove the internet at their office at some point because all the guys had a standing page for pornography minimized for their faffing time; can you just beat that?

There are actually one thousand and one ways to faff online,however, I bet majority of these organizations in Lagos disable some sites or minimize access to downloading and other stuff that can improve productive faffing. Well, for the lucky ones who still having maximum access to many things on the internet,there are lots of free mp3 downloading sites for those who love music/movies,free video downloading sites,free games ,jokes, cartoons,etc…Just google it.Then facebook,major faffing site.

Well, if you can’t faff online, there are other ways you can do it without being caught. If you start goofing off for hours at a time, you’ll get caught and fired. You can faff in small ways. You may find some of the following tips useful for effective and efficient faffing.This info however is for those who are bored or don’t have much work to do.

Drink Lots of Water: Water, Tea and Coffee make you urinate quicker and more often than other drinks. No one can blame you for normal bodily functions. Only a real jerk of a boss will yell at you for taking a leak.

Be Clean: While you’re in the bathroom take an extra couple of seconds to wash your hands thoroughly. I see too many people rush through this exercise. Take your time washing your hands and most people will not notice. Barely get the tips of your fingers wet as you run out the bathroom door and everyone avoids touching things you touch.

Be Sloppy: A good hour or two can be used for faffing every few weeks if you keep your desk a mess. Friday afternoons and Monday mornings are perfect times to set aside for cleaning up your work area. Just say you want things neat for yourself when you start the week and "wah-lah" you have just made some time for yourself refiling papers, rearranging pens in your desk, and categorizing your push pins by color.

Naps: Lots of people want to take naps at work. This is very dangerous and should only be attempted by the most seasoned napper. No matter how many news magazines do stories on how taking naps improve employee performance in other countries, you will never be paid to sleep in ‘non ministry environment’ ,especially in a bank. The bank work ethic hates sleep, even the good “8 hours a night” kind. If you must take a nap you might try this idea.

Nap #643 -- Fill a coffee mug. Find a low traffic area in the office and spill the contents of the mug on the floor. Lay down on the floor face first with your coffee mug laying on the spill. The purpose is to make it look like you fell, passed out or tripped on something. After you place yourself in position, go to sleep. If someone finds you, they’ll rush to your aide. Have an excuse ready. They’ll think you are hurt or sick, they can even send you home, and there you can continue with your nap.Never repeat this exercise in the same location and don’t do it too often. This nap will be less effective if you snore. If you snore while you sleep it’s tougher to pass off sleep as unconsciousness.

Office Conversations: Enter business conversations around the office that are taking place in the open. You don’t have to be a part of the conversation very much. The important thing is to be there physically. Just nod your head a few times. Beware that others in the conversation may turn to you for comment. You’ll need to be prepared with a good quick exit line or a response. One good answer that can buy time is, “I’m sorry, I was thinking about how we’re going to manage to do everything on time and still stay on budget.” They’ll either repeat the question or continue without your input. If they do the latter, you might want to excuse yourself and move on back to your desk.

Meetings: Go to every meeting that is appropriate for you to attend. Everyone knows meetings are a colossal waste of time, so use them. You’d be surprised at how many people miss the opportunity at wasting time by ducking out of or avoiding meetings. Once you’re in meeting, it’s all about you. You can plan your weekend, think about the game you watched the night before, or fantasize about that trip you wanted to make.

I hope these tips help you be more productive in faffing. Remember, this is when you’re bored,tired or idle. With a little effort no one will ever know how well you faff.

On a final note; answer these questions honestly to reveal the true extent of your faffiness.

1. Is your idea of acquiring information:

A) Reading the Financial Times/ Wall Street Journal
B) Reading Guns! Tanks! Combat! War! magazine.
C) Titting about on the Internet for hours.

2. The alarm clock sounds: you have one hour to get ready for work. Do you:
A) Shower, dress, quickly make a light breakfast and leave for work with time to spare.
B) Curse loudly,wake up your partner demanding they make you breakfast and march into work hitting people on the way.
C) Keep pressing the ‘snooze’ button on your alarm so you wake up half an hour later than you should; spend 15 minutes hunting for matching socks/shirt rush frantically about looking for your wallet/purse saying to yourself ‘I know I’ve seen it somewhere’; leave the house late and hungry and then return 10 minutes later because you forgot the wallet/purse you’d just found.

3.You go to a bar to buy yourself a drink. Do you:

A) Order a drink of your choice, pay for it and return to your chair.
B) Spit at the bar-staff to catch their attention, complain about the drink when it’s poured, and stand near the bar’s entrance waiting for someone to knock into you so you can start a fight.
C) Sidle indecisively to the bar, ponder a while about which drink to buy, tentatively order ‘’and then change your mind just as they start pouring it.

4.You visit a supermarket to buy your weekly shopping. Do you:

A) Consult a pre-prepared shopping list, locate and collect the desired items quickly and pay for the goods with the correct money.
B) Wait outside the store until a flustered housewife exits, knock her unconscious with a pistol butt and then steal her shopping.
C) Spend ages mulling over which brand of fish-fingers to buy; keep putting things into your basket then putting them back on the shelves; chat to the attendant about nothing for 15 minutes; and upon reaching the counter pay for the three items you finally decided upon with a cheque, which you write out incorrectly. Three times.

5.You are a man determined to ask a girl who lives 2 streets away from yours. Do you:

A) Suavely present her with flowers and invite her out for a meal.
B) Ambush her on her way home from work, knock her out, relieve your lust on her bleeding face and remove her skin to make a coat.
C) Spend days deciding whether to buy her flowers or chocolates and end up buying neither; resolve to ask her out that night but miss her because you spent too long shaving; see her the next night and say, 'Would you like to go to the movies tomorrow, with me that is, yes, I was wondering if you’d like to accompany me to the movies tomorrow... tomorrow if that’s OK with... don’t you get sick of the movies, you know, with working here and all?... I suppose you must, yes... oh well...ahem... maybe not then... errm... oh dear.'

6.You’re on an okada and the bikeman suddenly starts to fiddle with his controls, eventually the bike stops . Seeing you stranded, an elderly female motorist stops by and offers you a lift. Do you:

A) Say 'thank you' and get in the car.
B) Grab the driver’s throat, headbutt the bridge of her nose and leave her for dead.
C) Wander angst ridden around her car, scratching your head, saying 'Well, it’s a kind offer, but...hmmm...’

HOW DO YOU RATE?

MOSTLY A - You are a faffless individual, smooth and efficient to the point of creepy. Likely to be a ruthless assassin, kerb-crawler or accountant. Or all three. You should think about relaxing a little and allowing a few more faffy moments to enter your life.
MOSTLY B - You’re not very nice, are you?
MOSTLY C - A top-league faffer, up there with the all-time greats. You are invited to a special awards ceremony where you should be presented with a commemorative diary you will never use. Welcome to the honourable world of faffdom!